My heart hasn’t been in the mood to write recently, but today is a day that requires more than a passing nod. I’m going to get a little sidetracked and write what is on my heart, so be forewarned. For the first time in three years, I am again a resident of West Virginia. And to be honest, I don’t feel the way I thought I would about this move. It feels like I’ve been running from my past, only to have it catch up with me, throwing me back into the life which I left behind. Even though I am a different person than the one who left, even though I am stronger and a better version of myself, I feel drawn back into that shell of a girl, constrained by my environment and the obligations of life.
I always thought my heart was here. But now I feel as if my heart is spinning atop a compass which can’t find its’ true north. Endlessly turning, searching, and incapable of finding that which it longs for. Maybe there is no right path or direction. Maybe we just live the life which is thrust upon us. But why should that be good enough!? Why must there always be a sacrifice? We give up so much. We let happiness slip through our fingers to cling to responsibility, to obligation, to commit to our own perceived duty. What if it’s all wrong? …But what other path is there? Even if I wish I could be somewhere else, I am currently constrained and confined to this place. Once a place of peace for my heart, now feels like a prison.
Perhaps my heart just longs to wander forever in search of a place… or a person… to make me feel like I am where I should be…to make me feel like I am home. Home is becoming less of a physical destination in my life. “We will never be truly at home again. That is the price we pay for knowing and loving people in more than one place.” The more places I travel, the more people I meet, the more my heart is torn in different directions. I am torn in two, forever pulled between who I was and who I am becoming. Three years ago today, I first set foot in Idaho. Maybe I am just being sentimental today. Maybe I just miss you and what we could have been. Maybe I let you slip away, but maybe you let me go. Perhaps there is a bridge out there, which will one day reconnect our worlds. Perhaps that bridge has been burned forever. But for you, I would build a brand new bridge if it meant I could come back to you.