When I started this blog, I wasn’t sure what I wanted it to be or what it would become. Perhaps it was because I was a little lost myself, and maybe I still am. Many people do not think as I do. We all have different beliefs, thoughts, aspirations. That in itself is wonderful. The fact that we are all different means that we can learn from one another. As I sit at my computer, I still can’t see the end picture. I can only look back and try to fit the pieces together in my life. It’s not always easy when you can’t see the road ahead and that sense of feeling lost, without direction, can be overwhelming. There are so many things that I will probably never understand. What I do know, is that everything happens for a reason and that it is all part of God’s masterful plan.
I know what you might be thinking: (oh great- she’s going to talk about God – I’m not sure I even believe in God – If there was a God then X,Y,Z wouldn’t have happened-Ect.). Please hear me out. This world is full of pain and heartache – believe me I see it everyday. It is not always an easy path, trust me on that one. But if I have learned anything from my life, it is that God’s plan is always, ALWAYS, greater than what we can imagine. Every step, decision, struggle, and tear can, and will be used for His glory. I have cried many tears in my life and I am very familiar with heartbreak. In fact, it is those trying times which often lead me to the trails. I hike to escape, to disconnect, to feel something-anything-when life has pushed me to the point of feeling numb. I have heard many people say that God will never give us more than we can handle – but I don’t think that is the truth. I think he will give us more than we can take, so that we are pushed to our knees, and our only option is to cry out to Him for help. He allows us to go through difficult times so that we learn to be strong. He lets us be broken so that he can heal us. Parents can’t keep their children safe all the time. Eventually, they have to let them grow up, to think for themselves, and to walk on their own two feet. God, our Heavenly Father, does the same for us. He molds us and makes us into who we are meant to become. No growth or change could occur in our lives if nothing ever happened to us, or if we were never given the chance to help another in need.
We all learn to deal with things in different ways. We tend to drift toward those things or people who bring us joy. I have always been a solitary person. I go to the woods, walk through the trees, and beside the flowing streams. I take photographs of things that I find beautiful to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. The solace that nature brings to my soul allows me to reconnect with God. It makes me feel alive again. As I said before, I believe that there is a reason for everything. When I was trying to decide what to call this blog, I chose Gracefully Seeking. Little did I know that God even had His hand in that. I was going to tell of my adventures, to start another travel blog, to explain how I have been seeking life in this world. Writing brought me joy and served as an outlet for the stress which accompanies my life. I had no idea that God was leading me to this…but I feel it now. I have been seeking something in my life-a way to follow my passions and to find joy in what I do. I have been seeking His grace.
I have a confession. I have been angry. With life, with God, with circumstances outside my control. I have been avoiding God. I know I can’t hide from Him, but I could miss church, and not open my Bible, and forget to pray. I’ve let it all build up inside me and I was ready to explode. Tonight, I had finally had enough. I was in my kitchen, cooking dinner, thinking, when I just started talking out loud to God. Saying that I was mad and that I didn’t understand and how I couldn’t believe He had brought me here. I broke down in tears, and then I prayed – for guidance, direction, for a way out, a light for the path ahead because I had NO IDEA where I was supposed to go next.
Then I opened my Bible, looking for passages on finding direction and dealing with anger. I was led to Ephesians 4: 25 which says: “…speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” I knew I had to tell someone about how I have been feeling. Verse 26 continues and says: “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” Then it clicked – all this anger inside of me, everything that I had bottled up, wasn’t helping anyone – except the devil; it was allowing a weakness to be in my life, an area that he could target and pull me down. I read on to verse 31: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” I have been forgiven. You, my brothers and sisters, have been forgiven. That is great news. What place does anger have in my heart? My heart should be filled with thankfulness due to the mercy and grace that has been shown to me. The next chapter in Ephesians talks about walking in love – showing that forgiveness and grace to those around us, holding fast to our faith to see us through every circumstance, and seeking to be like God. Seeking. What I didn’t see all this time is that God has been gracefully seeking me! Waiting for me to return and to seek His grace once again.
I will continue to share with you the many adventures and beautiful sights God has led me to thus far. But I am transforming this blog, as He has transformed my life, into something that will be for His glory, and not my own. My story has been written by His hand, my steps have been directed by His light, and everything that has happened in my life, good and bad, has led me to this moment. He has given me a way to use my gift to His glory and honor, and I hope you will seek His grace along with me.